When a teenager enters foster care, they’re carrying far more than a backpack or a few belongings. They’re carrying uncertainty, grief, fear and the weight of traumatic experiences that have taught them not to trust easily. So it’s no surprise that building relationships takes time.

For foster parents, those first days and weeks with a teen aren’t about forcing connection. They’re about creating consistency and offering patience. It’s about showing up again and again until a young person begins to believe they are truly safe. Three experienced KVC Kansas foster parents share what they’ve learned about supporting teens through life’s biggest transitions, why strong connections take time — and why even the smallest moments of trust can have a lasting impact.

When a Teen First Enters a Foster Home

When a teen is first placed in a foster home, they’re unlikely to connect with their foster parents right away. Colleen, who has fostered several children in Kansas between the ages of 0 and 18 over the last eight years, emphasizes the importance of giving youth time to adjust. 

“It’s heartbreaking for them because they don’t understand why this has happened to them,” Colleen says. “What did they do wrong? You have to give them a little bit of space to deal with some of that. You can’t be on top of them.”

Fellow Kansas foster parent Kalisha, who has fostered more than a dozen teens since 2017, agrees. She notes that teens usually have their guard up for the first several days, or even weeks, after being placed in a foster home. “They don’t have any trust and don’t know what’s safe,” says Kalisha. “Even opening up enough to say they don’t like a certain kind of food can be hard.”

Joanna, who has fostered children of all ages over the past four years, says many teens arrive expecting another disappointment. “A lot of teens have been in several homes,” she explains.

“They’re probably feeling angry. Initially, you’re just another person, another home, and they’re thinking, ‘You’re going to give up on me too.'”

When first welcoming a teen into your home as a foster parent, Colleen recommends helping them find a safe spot to decompress. Often, they will want to be alone for a bit to process what they’re going through. They might want to watch TV and space out for a while. Wherever they feel comfortable, giving them that space can really help teens get through those first couple of days in a new, unfamiliar environment.

How to Respond When a Teen is Resistant to Connection

It’s not uncommon for teens to be resistant to forming a relationship with their foster parent, even weeks into the placement. They’re used to everything feeling disjointed and temporary. This is especially true if they have been in and out of foster care throughout their life. 

Colleen and Kalisha encourage foster parents to continually prove that they aren’t temporary by showing up in big and little ways. Here are some of their suggestions for helping teens open up to relationships and start building trust:

• Ask questions and pay attention to their interests.
• Take note of the little things they enjoy, like their favorite snacks, and find ways to give them those little things.
• Keep trying. Don’t give up if they don’t respond right away.
• Respect their boundaries and don’t be pushy. Give them time to learn that they can trust you.
• Be patient and understanding. You don’t know what they’ve been through.
• Give them autonomy within healthy rules and structure.

Joanna has learned that consistency matters more than grand gestures. One teen currently in her care has been with her family for months, yet trust is still developing. Rather than trying to force a relationship, Joanna focuses on meeting him where he is. “It’s important to focus on learning what matters to him, supporting his interests and reminding him, even on difficult days, ‘I still love you. I still care about you. What you’re doing isn’t okay, but we’re still here.'”

Youth in foster care are often used to feeling unseen and unheard. They have not had any choice in the trauma they’ve experienced. This can make them feel powerless and shut down. As a foster parent, one of the best things you can do is help them learn to speak up again. 

“They are growing into adulthood, and if we keep silencing them, they’ll never have the opportunity to speak up when they are adults,” says Kalisha, who encourages foster parents to keep trying, as this level of communication and trust is key to helping teens open up to the possibility of connecting with you.

Behaviors That Can Look Like Rejection

The trauma teens experience when entering and going through foster care naturally leads to a lot of challenging behaviors. These behaviors can feel like rejection, but what they’re actually communicating is not nearly so personal to you as their foster parent. A lot of what youth are expressing when they act out is past trauma, something that Kalisha points out everyone has to deal with to some extent. 

“Everybody is a work in progress,” Kalisha says.

“We’re all trying to be better. Sometimes people don’t try to be better, but oftentimes it’s because of an unmet need or a trauma they’re still dealing with.” By being patient and meeting a child’s needs. Foster parents are giving them space to finally work through the trauma that has been pushed to the side.

Joanna agrees that difficult behaviors are often rooted in fear rather than defiance. “The more homes they’ve been through, the more their trust diminishes,” she says. “They’re thinking, ‘You’re another home.'”

“If they say they hate me, they usually don’t,” says Colleen. “They’re just upset with the situation.” The boundaries and rules you set as a foster parent may be the trigger, but they’re not the root of the behavior. Youth behaviors are usually rooted in something else, like the trauma they have experienced or something difficult that came up in therapy. 

Colleen recommends foster parents keep communication open and transparent, recognizing that it’s not personal rejection, but testing boundaries and processing difficult emotions. And this may even sometimes be a positive sign. When a child first enters a home, they often will suppress emotions and challenging behaviors because they don’t feel safe expressing themselves yet. 

Joanna has experienced this firsthand. She recalls one teen who pushed boundaries, shut down emotionally and even refused to speak for nearly 14 hours after an upsetting incident. Instead of giving up, Joanna and her husband stayed present, patiently reassuring him they weren’t going anywhere. Today, years later, that same young man still calls them when he needs help. For Joanna, moments like these are reminders that trust is rarely built overnight. But when it is built, that trust can last a lifetime.

The Role of Consistency and Patience

Patience is paramount when helping youth adjust as they transition into your home. Kalisha encourages foster parents to continue showing up as they do on day one. That first day, foster parents tend to be extra attentive, patient and accommodating. It’s easy to fall out of that and begin losing patience as time goes by. But Kalisha urges foster parents to stay consistent and show youth in their care that they are a safe person. 

“If you suddenly switch your tempo, that alters the trust,” says Kalisha. “You have to stay consistent in how you address each issue. Don’t just keep throwing different things at them every day because they won’t be able to adjust to their environment.”

One way parents and caregivers can intentionally create time for connection with the children in their care is by setting aside one-on-one time to check in every day. If the days are too busy with school, appointments and extracurricular activities, take a pause together right before bed for that quality time. Even just a few minutes a day can make all the difference, showing youth that you are present and there to connect when they’re ready.

Joanna believes consistency is one of the greatest gifts foster parents can offer. “Having set rules and boundaries that youth understand from the beginning is important,” she explains. “But just as important is being patient and understanding. If they see you giving up on them or changing how you respond every day, they’re not going to trust you.”

Helping Teens Stay Connected to the People They Love

Foster parents also play an important role in helping teens navigate complicated emotions about their biological families. Joanna believes one of the best ways to support youth is to honor those relationships whenever it’s safe to do so.

“I never talk badly about their parents,” she says. “They love their kids. They’re going through hard things too.”

By respecting those relationships rather than competing with them, foster parents create space for teens to process conflicting emotions without feeling like they have to choose sides. That emotional safety can become another important step toward healing.

How KVC Kansas Supports Foster Parents and Youth

One of the benefits of being a foster parent is all of the resources available to help you support the youth in your care. At KVC Kansas, our foster parents have day and night support from social workers and case managers, who can help connect both caregivers and teens with services and resources.

When Colleen had a youth in her care who was moving on to college, his case manager worked closely with him to make sure he was prepared for the next chapter. They even helped him make an Amazon wishlist and bought things he would need.

KVC Kansas has many other services and community partnerships designed to help youth aging out of foster care, including:

• The Regional Youth Advisory Council (RYAC), which meets monthly to provide life skills and leadership training for youth in foster care
• We Kan Drive, which provides free Driver’s Ed to youth in foster care
• Outpatient therapy services for children, youth and families involved in the Kansas child welfare system.

Beyond the services directly provided by KVC Kansas, Colleen encourages foster parents to be diligent about helping equip youth for adulthood by encouraging participation in available programs. Additionally, helping them learn basic life skills like applying for jobs or colleges, interviewing and making meals are all important. As she put it, “They are worth the investment.” Additionally, tuition at state universities in Kansas is covered for youth in foster care, so Colleen highly recommends that foster parents encourage teens in their care to give higher education a try!

Become a Foster Parent for Youth in Kansas

Foster transitions are never easy, and teenagers in foster care have often experienced multiple placements. This can leave a lasting impact on their confidence and self-esteem, which is why foster parents who can be a stable, supportive resource are so needed in Kansas!

“It’s not always pretty,” reflects Kalisha.

“I want people to be foster parents because there is a big need. The kids have the potential to be amazing, but with the circumstances that they were put under, they’re dealing with so much that they don’t know how to get out.”

This process takes time. Kalisha describes it like pouring water into a cup full of dirt: it gets messy and makes a lot of mud, but you have to keep pouring clean water in to get all of the dirt out.

If you’re ready to pour into Kansas youth who just need someone to give them that chance and that safe space, contact KVC Kansas to learn more about becoming a foster parent.