One of the beautiful realities of foster care is that it’s never just about one child or teen. It’s about the entire family opening their hearts and home. And when one youth joins your household, everyone feels the impact.

Schedules can shift. Emotions can run high. Routines can get flipped. There are moments of incredible joy and connection. But there are also moments of stress, fatigue and uncertainty. These aren’t signs you’re doing it wrong. These are signs that fostering is meaningful work.

At KVC Kansas, we believe children and teens in foster care thrive best in homes where everyone is supported — partners, biological and adopted children, and foster parents themselves. Understanding how fostering affects each member of your household is the first step toward building a home that doesn’t just function, but flourishes.

If you’re currently fostering or considering becoming a foster parent, here’s what to expect and how to intentionally care for the whole family along the way.

How Foster Care Affects the Whole Family

Becoming a foster home is an exciting and rewarding experience! Everyone involved gets the opportunity to learn and grow in so many ways, such as:

• Developing better communication skills
• Forming closer bonds
• Learning to be more resilient and flexible
• Understanding boundaries (others and their own)
• Discovering different people and cultural identities
• Gaining a better understanding of ourselves

Of course, all of these benefits come with challenges, just as any time a new individual is introduced into a family. Foster care impacts each person in the home in different ways, and understanding the impact is important for learning to overcome these challenges.

How Foster Care Can Affect Your Relationship

Foster parents often experience increased stress and tension in their romantic relationships, whether their partner is co-parenting or not. Fostering involves many schedule shifts and an increased emotional load, leaving less capacity to support and invest in your partner.

For married couples who are fostering together, their relationship with each other is important for more than just their marriage. Studies have shown that the quality of the relationship between parents is a major factor in a child’s future success. Furthermore, if there is more tension and conflict between parents, children are more likely to have behavioral problems.

How Foster Care Affects Children Already in the Home

It’s common for foster parents to have children of their own as well, either biologically or adopted. For these children, the changes in routine and shift in attention toward another child often result in a mix of emotions. They may feel excited about having someone to play with, confused about the sudden change or jealous of the new child in the home. They may struggle with how the other child behaves or acts towards them, even if those behaviors aren’t wrong but just different from what they’re used to.

How Foster Care Affects Foster Parents

As a foster parent, you are affected by fostering too! You’re under a lot of pressure to balance everyone’s needs: showing up for your partner, giving a fair amount of attention to your other children and even making sure the dog is taken care of can get to be overwhelming.

Burnout and compassion fatigue are common occurrences for new foster parents. This emotional and mental drain is a common reason why as many as 30-50% of foster parents stop fostering after their first year.

So how can you, as a foster parent, make sure that everyone’s needs are met, including your own?

How to Support Your Partner While Fostering

Keeping your relationship healthy and supporting your partner while fostering ultimately comes down to prioritizing open, ongoing communication and setting expectations. Here are a few practical ways to be more intentional about caring for your partner while fostering:

• Set expectations. Right from the start, have a clear understanding of each person’s roles and responsibilities in the household and in co-parenting.

• Schedule regular check-ins. When having these sit-down conversations, don’t just talk about foster care. Take the time to connect on a personal level and ask how your partner is doing.

• Protect time together. Spend time with your partner outside of parenting and foster care responsibilities. Go on dates and find other ways to spend quality time together. Respite care can be a great tool in ensuring you have space to recharge.

• Be a team! When co-parenting or co-foster parenting, work together and give one another breaks. If you primarily work outside of the home, try to give the at-home parent some alone time in the evening or on weekends.

• Share decision-making. When you need to make a decision about anything regarding the household, the children or your routines, have an open conversation and come to a decision together so everyone feels heard and involved.

• Lean on your community. Supporting children in foster care was never meant to be done alone.

How to Support Children Already in Your Home

Biological and adopted children in the home should feel like they’re a part of the process, but they should never feel responsible for the healing of a child being fostered in their home. Here are a few ways to help your children feel included and supported without putting pressure on them to bear the responsibility of fostering:

• Create space for feelings. No matter what your child is feeling, give them the space to express it without judgment. Encouraging this honesty will help them to work through their emotions and process in a healthy way.

• Maintain family routines. Some routines may need to shift to accommodate new additions to the household, but when possible, try to keep up with familiar routines that help your child feel stable. When adjusting to new routines, make sure they meet the needs of every child in the home, not just those in foster care.

• Protect one-on-one time. Make sure each child in your home gets quality one-on-one time with you as the parent, keeping your relationship with them strong! Invest in each child in a way that ensures they know they’re loved and supported.

• Watch for behavioral changes. If your child is acting out more than usual, failing classes at school, crying and getting upset easily or withdrawing from you, consider how you can help them work through the underlying emotions.

• Seek support. It’s normal for children to experience intense emotions and display behavioral changes when adjusting to something like becoming a foster sibling. KVC Kansas offers outpatient behavioral health services to children of foster parents, so reach out if you think your child could benefit from professional therapeutic support.

• Have open conversations about foster care. Before you begin foster care, explain to the children in your home that the ultimate goal of foster care is safe reunification whenever possible. Continue to have conversations about what to expect and include them in age-appropriate ways in decision-making.

How Foster Parents Can Care for Themselves

While you have a responsibility to care for your children and your partner, you cannot pour into them if your cup is empty! It’s essential for foster parents to practice regular self-care to avoid becoming overwhelmed or burned out. Here are a few practical tips for making sure you are getting the care you need:

• Build small, realistic self-care routines. A daily walk in nature, scheduled alone time while your partner watches the children and practical habits like nutrition, sleep and exercise all contribute to a healthy self-care practice.

• Go outside. Spending time out in nature is scientifically proven to benefit mental health and reduce stress!

• Set boundaries. Give yourself permission to unplug, say no and be a little bit selfish. Remember that in the end, you’re teaching your children to set boundaries too!

• Accept (and ask for) help. You don’t have to do it alone, even if you’re a single foster parent! Tap into resources provided through your agency, like your case manager and respite care.

• Let go of perfectionism. You’re human, which means you’re going to make mistakes and have limits. That’s okay! Release the need to be the perfect foster parent and give yourself grace in the challenging moments. 

You’re Not Alone: Support for Foster Families

If you’re feeling overwhelmed as a foster parent, you’re not alone. We understand how draining and challenging being a foster parent can be, and KVC Kansas is here to help! Contact us or reach out to your case manager to get connected with ongoing support, resources, referrals and community connections. Remember that support is a strength, not a last resort. You and your family deserve all the support you can get!